The Rubbish Lord’s Prayer

I love prayer, don’t you? I could watch people doing it all day long. Well, that’s perhaps an exaggeration; I like to think I like to pray. It goes something like this: -

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
(must remember to concentrate)
Thy Kingdom come
(yep, in the swing of it)
Thy will be done
(what was the next line? I can’t remember, better go back a bit to jog the memory)
Thy Kingdom come
(Doh, gone too far back)
Thy will be done
(Oh good, now I’m in the swing of it)
…but forgive us our….
(Oh, I’ve missed a bit, said it whilst thinking about what I should be saying. Go back again….do not pass go….do not collect….hang on, I’ve lost my thread)
on Earth as it is in Heaven
(good)
Give us this day our daily bread
(I wonder why we’re not supposed to say’ please’? Oh now then, what’s the next line?)
and forgive us our debts
(I live in Scotland remember)
as we forgive our debtors
(I’ve lost my thread now. Must concentrate)
and lead us not into temptation
(But I quite like being led into temptation. Stop it, it’s not good, you’re supposed to shun temptation…..but it is quite tempting isn’t it? I remember that time when…..STOP IT!)
and deliver us from evil
(not long to go now, nearly finished, if I can just remember the last few lines)
for thine is the power
(no, that’s not it)
for thine is the Kingdom
(Geddin!)
The power and the glory forever
(I’m sure I used to say ‘for ever and ever’, that’s two ‘forevers’ ‘cos one’s not enough obviously)
Amen
(Result! I got there, that’s it done for today…..why do I feel however, that it’s not meant to be like that? Start again? No, I’ve got to get up and put on my ‘Rubbish Christian’ t-shirt).

Alternatively, you start with ‘Our Father’……and suddenly, you’re at ‘Amen’ and you can’t remember having done the stuff in between!

Personally, I get a bit anxious when leading the Lord’s Prayer in public because I’m a fast speaker (I am a Geordie after all) and o t h e r   p e o p l e   g o   s o   slooooooowwwwwly. I have to slow right down but of course, being a Rubbish Christian saying the Lord’s prayer (and I suspect dyslexic – I must get that checked) I forget the lines (see above) and so I have to ensure I’ve got it written down in front of me. On the occasions I get up to lead prayers and I realise I’ve forgotten it, there’s only one thing for it; say it quietly, lip-read the rest of the congregation and copy them! That’s how the Rubbish Christian leads in corporate prayer!

The Rubbish Gospel

The Church of Scotland vs. the ‘Original Template’?
If the Church of Scotland had been around when Jesus came to Earth (please forgive the few ‘Scottish-isms’ in this.   If I, as a Tynesider, can learn them, so can you! For ‘Church of Scotland’, you can substitute any denomination you know – I’m certain the results would be similar!) Definitions: -

• Kirk Session – A meeting of Elders of the local church (not necessarily ‘old’…..but usually).
• Presbytery - A meeting of Elders and Ministers of local churches in a given geographical area.
• General Assembly – A curious yearly affair where thinly disguised antagonism is portrayed as healthy debate. A yearly event in Edinburgh for the Church HQ and regional contributors.
• Church Without Walls – A huge initiative to introduce change, which after about a decade has seen some excellent local initiatives in some churches, and also some complete and utter incomprehension in others.

‘Jesus gathered his disciples around to explain to them the things that were to happen to the Son of Man, that He must suffer, be crucified and then, ultimately, rise again to save people from their sins.

The disciples, unhesitatingly, protested (the Church of Scotland is, after all, a Protestant church).

“See you Jimmy, sorry, see you Lord, this cannot be allowed” said Simon “It has’nae even been submitted to Presbytery!”

“What?!” said a stunned Jesus.

“Michty me Lord” said Peter “An event of such magnitude would have to be debated by the Discipleship and Crucifixion Committee at the next General Assembly!”

The Lord, trying to regain control of the situation said, “Look you lot, this is God’s will so you’d better all get used to it.”

“God’s will? God’s will?” said James, brother of….er….someone, “I think that we’d all better slow down on this idea of ‘God’s will’. I mean, we’ll have to wait until the next Ministers’ meeting before they can tell us what ‘God’s will’ is or not. Good grief, whatever next!”

Jesus, aghast, shouted out, “Can we just get on here? There’s work to be done”

Phillip, the disciple that Jesus thought was really quite a nice bloke, said, “Come on Lord, you don’t expect us to introduce anything as radical as that without checking with the Kirk Session do you? I mean, can you imagine what the traditionalists and older people will say?”

“Yes Lord” said Thomas “I doubt we’ll get permission to do anything like that!”

“I have no intention of asking anyone’s permission to do anything” said Jesus firmly “This is what is about to come to pass and that is that! Why are you only interested in making sure you don’t upset the status-quo? Do you believe that it will keep everyone happy? Are the traditionalists the only ones who have to be deferred to? Why is it that everyone else’s feelings on matters is ignored and only the traditionalists indulged?”

This went completely over the disciples’ heads.

“Er….right Lord….. but as we were saying,” said Zebedee (or was it Florence….or Dougal?), blundering on regardless “Why don’t we just change a few things around in the temple, you know, make it a bit more, er, different?”

“Yes Lord” said Andrew (he was dreaming about having a nice Scottish University town being named after him, perhaps with some nice Golf courses) “We could set up a project to look at urban regeneration, you know, get Nazareth cleaned up. You never know, someone might name a rock band after it one day if it gets famous enough.”

By this time Jesus was shaking his head, which was buried in his hands and muttering, almost inaudibly to himself, “Please, no more, it’s enough to drive y’t'drink (communion wine only of course)!”

The disciples, panic stricken that something different might happen in the temple, began coming up with all sorts of wonderful ideas to move the Church of Scotland (and by definition, God’s will) forward.

“Why don’t we organise a ‘History of Stained Glass Windows’ class? That’d be really interesting”.

“Oh that’ll have them packing in” said Jesus with a weary sarcasm, which was completely missed by the disciples.

“Yes, and what about making the Temple flower rota more inclusive? Get more people on it? That’s a sure way to bring about the Kingdom!”

“Stop it; I can’t take any more of this ingenuity. No, really, I’m overwhelmed by the ‘blue firmament’ thinking here!” said Jesus in a dull voice, glazed eyes and anything but overwhelmed.

“I know!” said Lebbeus (or whatever he was called) “Why don’t we set up a commission to set up a review to set up a project to review what the temple does and we could review progress say, once every 10 years?

By this time, the disciples hadn’t even noticed that Jesus was lying against a tree, downing his third bottle of ‘Rolling Rock’ whilst casually flinging the empties at various disciples’ heads, narrowly missing on purpose, but it made him feel better.

“Oh this is so exciting!” chirruped Thaddeus (or something) “How about we revise the Psalm Book, making it more ‘slave and alien friendly’, make it a bit more non-sexist and we could get rid of the militaristic stuff? You know, make it all a bit ‘fluffy bunny’ and stuff.”

By this time, Jesus had vanished and the disciples were busy, organising and planning, getting more and more excited about the various projects they had in mind.

Anyway, 2000 years (and a bit) on, the world never did have the crucifixion, Jesus had taken the rest of his carry-out back up to Heaven along with a nice kebab and decided to let the Church of Scotland get on with it. So, the upshot was: -
• No one had heard of the crucifixion
• There were no nativity plays (some might actually think that no bad thing!)
• Barrabas stayed in jail but eventually got his own slave through Human Rights legislation
• ‘Cliff Richard and the Shades’ became the first UK band to top the charts for 100 weeks with their hit single, “Why should the Devil get all the bad press?” but they split after 25 years when Cliff Richard bit the head off Hank Marvin.
• The Jews were busy trying to update the Temple since its complete rebuild after 1506
• The site of the Vatican is a sacrificial theme park
• The General Assembly never did debate the crucifixion due to more pressing matters requiring inclusion on the agenda including: -
o The urgent matter of the missing Women’s Guild uniforms from the back of the temple
o The need to organise a very pious protest against the new ‘Tridents’ being used by the Roman soldiers occupying the Holy city of Jerusinburgh
o Whether the oldest member of the temple and longest serving elder really was fit enough to represent the Temple of Scotland at this year’s Gladiatorial Games and…
o Whether homosexuals, adulterers (women only), single mothers, thieves and other supposedly worthless creatures should be stoned using properly blessed and holy stones as picked by the Priests or whether any old stone could be used from the surrounding area.

• The Psalms were updated and brought out in a new form known as PS IV and it included such notable psalms as: -
o He who (would have) valiant been
o Where you there when they (didn’t) crucify my Lord?
o Come let us sing of a wonderful love, Jesus (didn’t) save
o Stood up, stood up by Jesus
o When I survey the (pretty ordinary really) cross
o While shepherds watched their flocks by night, a-wondering what went wrong
o As with (sad)ness men of old
o I danced in the morning when the world was begun, but I gave up in the evening when Church of Scotland won
o Yahweh hear the prayer we offer
• The Church did indeed bring in a new initiative and called it ‘Sacrifice Without Walls’. Oh it’s been a wonderful success. Since its inception 300 years ago, there have been reports of real discernable change. Some change has even been captured on time lapse cameras set to the longest delay (for amateurs hoping to try this at home, set your camera to a time lapse of 60 years). Apparently, one church managed to introduce some ‘Unfair Trade’ animals for the daily sacrifice but this was stopped due to lack of support. Another temple had two people rather than one person handing out the new PS IV (latest version of worship collection) at the temple door but it has to be said, it was strongly suspected that this had more to do with the weight of the new scroll than any desire to introduce change.

There never was a rock band called Nazareth.

The BBC television programme ‘Songs of Praise’ never actually happened…….I’m not saying ANYTHING!

The world still awaits the FIRST coming………

The Rubbish Grace

In my Royal Navy days I heard of a Christian sailor so pious (and in my view astoundingly naive and self-defeating) that he would pray ponderously for what seemed like an eternity before every meal in the mess onboard his ship.    There he’d be, at the table, hands clasped, eyes closed, praying as if his life depended upon it (mind you, with some food those days, it possibly did!)Now, sailors can be funny, they can be rough, rude and amoral, they can be the best mates you ever had but they can also be, very typically, merciless in the face of pretension.    They will zero in on it and torment brutally.   This situation was no different.    As he sat engrossed in his ‘can everyone see me being very holy?’ mantle, surrounding sailors, helpless with almost silent laughter, would lace his dinner with everything from hot pepper to tab ends (‘tabs’ = Geordie word for ‘cigarettes’).    Rising from his pious ministrations he’d then rescue what was left of his dinner with a look, which said that he was ‘suffering this for Christ and that the pain now endured was a small price to pay for his reward in glory.’    All he actually achieved was to make Christianity the laughing stock of the mess (Royal Navy word for where sailors live on the ship/submarine).    It’s one thing to be thrown into the fiery furnace, quite another to jump in willingly to prove how religious you are.

I think he got a somewhat masochistic kick out of being seen as persecuted.    I do wonder however, whether it was entirely his own fault.    The military has always been a rich hunting ground for the evangelical right and my early experience of the Naval Christian Fellowship….but that’s another chapter!    Stay tuned folks, more rubbish in the not-too-distant-future.

Rubbish Prayer Groups

Ever since I can remember, I’ve dreaded prayer groups. Not because they’re not worthy and not because I don’t think they’re essential but simply because I get bored, I’m counting the minutes until I can do something more interactive, more interesting. I’m one of these people who cannot ‘still the mind’ as others (claim) they can with consummate ease. As soon as I hear the dreaded words, “Let’s spend a few minutes in silence ‘before-the-Lord’ as we wait on Him” my mind thinks this is the starting pistol to go flying off in all sorts of directions, none of which have got anything to do with the prayers. No matter how much I try to concentrate, I simply end up thinking about trying not to think and therefore thinking as opposed to not thinking and ‘waiting upon the Lord’…….er……are you still with me?

Remedies (yes, I know, I said I’d not provide solutions, but bear with me) – You know; I struggle to read my Bible regularly and I find my mind wandering off it. It’s ironic therefore that one of my solutions to ‘stilling myself before the Lord’ in prayer groups is to read a Bible. I could try reading FHM but that might raise eyebrows. The thinking behind this is that it will focus me on ‘higher things’ during the silence………and it actually works! Oh yes, I read away and find myself feeling most holy! Have you ever stopped to consider that reading to yourself (if you’re not sure what that is, it’s the activity you’re undertaking now) is a quiet and peaceful affair? Well let me tell you right now, it isn’t! Having already said I get distracted when reading the Bible, I find in this situation that I read it in chapter-loads! This of course, means turning the pages. Turning the page of a book has to rank as one of the noisiest activities known to Man (which necessarily includes Wimmin but I’m just being awkward….for the sake of it). There, in silence, the page turn cracks the silence no matter how careful you are. It’s like when you’re at the cinema and trying to get a few sweets out of the packet. Just as you start rummaging, there’s a quiet spot in the film and your fumblings echo around the hall with breathtaking clarity.

Well, the net result is that you disturb the holy silence of those around you who are clearly more holy than you and so you just can’t win! So, thinking that the pages of a Bible are simply noisier due to their make up, I decided to try using a hymn book instead. It’s astonishing how much you can learn by reading a hymn book during a silence. I worked out that you can get through all 5 verses of ‘O Jesus I have Promised’ three times and each time, using a different tune in your head. I found this very useful for ensuring that I don’t have to turn over the page to another hymn! The main problem with this ‘coping mechanism’ is that with my meagre grip on reality, I fear bursting into song in the middle of the silence! I suppose I could always pretend I’m singing in tongues (not that hard to believe, given I’m a Geordie living in Scotland).

I then discovered a neat trick. Now, I say ‘neat’ for I would not normally find anything like this remotely interesting, or useful, or anything else like that but here, in this context, we’re trying to make it, sanity intact, to the end of the silent bit in the prayer group. Where was I? Oh yes, neat trick. I discovered a game where you try to fit a hymn to a different tune and see, however it goes, if you get to the end with no notes or words to spare. Try ‘Jesus Loves Me’ sung to the Prodigy’s ‘Firestarter’. How the long winter nights just fly by…..

So, where were we? Ah yes, the prayer group. A Minister friend of mine once said that the prayer group is the boiler house of the church. I believe her. That doesn’t stop me finding it difficult to concentrate.

Once the silence bit it over, it’s ‘praying for others’ (or variations on a theme). I’m relieved at this point because you just know that it’s going to be during the silence that someone’s mobile phone is going to go off, tummies are going to rumble or worse, someone’s going to start imitating brass band trumpet sections as their digestive system decides it’s time to put the garbage out! Think ‘Blazing Saddles’ bean eating scene. It’s amazing what you hear during a silence….the trouble is, I wish I heard the Holy Spirit like everyone else seems to do.

I have to admit, that I really find it hard to work out how to talk to God as I just feel as if I’m speaking into thin air. At this point I simply take Him at His word and say it, praying that He’ll take what I’m saying and turn it into something spiritual.

Other assorted sundry Rubbish Christian observations during the Prayer Group: -

What happens when two people start praying at the same time? In my experience, this leads to “Uh-oh, we’re in uncharted territory here. How do we resolve this when we’re supposed to be in a state of contemplative prayer-like silence etc.?” from the two who interrupted each other. It all gets very awkward.

What happens if someone falls over and collapses or something? Is everyone too embarrassed to come out of their ‘state of prayer’ to do something. It always feels so awkward when something goes wrong during silences or prayers. I remember a prayer group a few years ago when the leader said we should now sit in silence and wait for any word from the Lord. A mobile went off and I said, “I honestly didn’t expect him to ring!”

What happens when the person leading the silence ‘nods off’? Who breaks the silence and actually does something when snoring echoes around from the leader….or anyone else for that matter?

What happens when someone gets a fit of the giggles….for no reason whatever or perhaps because someone’s broken wind?

Yes, prayer groups can be terrifying experiences for even the hardened Christian let alone the Rubbish one;

This is often what actually goes on for me at prayer groups – “Nearly at the end….sneaked a look at the watch….only a few minutes to go. Surely the leader will break in during one of the silences between the prayers and ‘close in prayer’. Ah, a nice long silence, surely he’ll…..nope, someone else’s just snuck another quick prayer in…we’ll have to wait another couple of minutes in silence before the close…..silence….more silence….4….3….2….1….Doh, another prayer! The relief that floods through as the sound of, “Thank you Lord that you hear our prayers, even the rubbish ones from the Rubbish Christian and shall we say the grace to one another (another – small but significant – hurdle as we awkwardly ‘say’ the Grace to ‘each other’ and the Rubbish Christian actually feels spiritual saying this, but not to ‘one another’, just generally, into space). Ah well, a two week respite until the next time.

The Good the Bad and the Rest of Us

Have you ever seen those ancient pictures of Biblical stories?   Moses coming down the mountain with the tablets of stone, the Disciples, strong and brave, battling bravely against all adversaries with stoic looks of thunder and piercing eyes. Angels looking, well, angelic.

Looking at these one immediately gets a sense of, er, well, inadequacy….well, I’ve often done at any rate. These figures, looming large in their historical context seem to me to have just walked on to some Shakespearian stage, with their voices booming, “Lo, thou sinner” (ever noticed how they seem to be about to spout forth in Authorised Version language? No? OK then, well I do). Towering over us mere mortals, they present us with an image of perfect Christianity, of which us lesser mortals can only dream (that’s when we’re not dreaming of stardom, greatness, adulation and other stuff we’d rather not tell our friends and family).

Then there’s the pictures of Jesus, standing there with his right hand raised, two fingers cocked like the barrel of a gun, blessing us. It’s a bit like the church Minister does as s/he stands in front of the congregation at the end of the service blessing us all (aahhhh, isn’t that nice?). Jesus too, is portrayed as some sort of aloof authority figure, pouring out his condescending blessings, ‘for which we are truly thankful’.

I’m not having a go at Jesus, Moses, the Disciples, angels or anyone else in the Bible; it’s just that I wonder sometimes whether these images accurately reflect reality. I mean, let’s face it, Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, the disciples did all sorts of things including bitching, position jostling, ‘denying’ Him and being racist and as for Moses, well he murdered someone and ran away!

However, it’s another great way to ensure that I’m a fully paid up member of the Rubbish Christian Club.    Join now, you know it makes sense.